I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
