i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
