I hate all girls vehemently.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
