I'm lost and stupid without you.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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