Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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