Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
