I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
