I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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