My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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