You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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