He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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