btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
