cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I lost the right to judge tonight
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
