My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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