I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
