I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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