wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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