we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
