We need to rekindle our bromance
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We need to get me chipped asap
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
