I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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