True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
