when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
