You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
