We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Randomize
