I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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