3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
