i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
