Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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