1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
