So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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