He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
