CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
