I think I just saw someone hide a body.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
