ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We smell like vodka and hangover
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