Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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