Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
