check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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