you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
