ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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