She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
