Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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