on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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