that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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