i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Randomize
