So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
