bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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