Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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