You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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