I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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