Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
