I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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