i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
