Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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